Mucky

I think you sometimes have to accept that not everyone shares the love of travel as much as many of us do.


Go alone or with friends.

Muck

fishee

worktowander- what an amazing and hopeful story for the OP.

I know a few men whose fear of flying (and fear of admitting it) kept them from traveling too. Two of them got over it and take a mild tranquilizer when flying.

Dukey

All of the replies you have received which conjecture about what the problem for him "might be" are just that: conjecture. And that will remain the same unless we hear directly from him which I assume we won't.


Nobody here will be able to convince him and apparently after five years you haven't been able to convince him, either.

So, you obviously have a decision to make.

Going to Europe with him seems unlikely. Are you willing to go without him?

If you are, then do so.

Are you afraid of what might happen if you DO go without him? I think perhaps you are because you haven't done that and there is no reason you have yet given why you cannot do that if you want to.

If he's worth not going to Europe then don't go.

IMO if you REALLY want to find out about your own relationship then I would make plans to go, tell him you are going, and see what happens.

My suspicion is he thinks you won't make the move.

SuzieCII

Ain't love grand?

I can't imagine someone picking at me for 5 years to do something that I don't want to do, or being the "naggee". On the other hand, I bore myself silly when I am the "nagger". So I drop it.
Read the books, watch travelogues, go by yourself. It IS a wonderful way to travel. I agree with Suze above.

ira

Hi A,

>He's nervous about flying so we have stuck with vacation destinations that are within driving distance,...<

"Houston, we have a problem."

Until you get him over his fear of flying or find him the right meds, you are not gong to get BF, or DH if you marry him, to Europe, except by ship (maybe).

We have a friend who can't fly, is afraid of deep water and gets claustrophobic on trains.

Needless to say, he has not, and never will, go to Europe.

Sue_xx_yy

On the assumption you have read the situation correctly - and admittedly assumptions are always risky:

There's a site called 'scaredofflying.com' which features a book and a CD, designed by an airline pilot, Keith Godfrey. I've no idea if the book or CD is any good, especially since I don't have this phobia myself, but it's worth a shot.

Local airlines also sometimes offer courses for the nervous flyer.

The tack I would take is to encourage him to try a course or the book, just for his own sake: don't tie it into any other kind of pressure ("and when you're done this, we can fly to Europe...&quotetc. etc. You want to give him as much control over things as possible.

ltilley

Okay.... I am on our vacation *right now* - literally.... and well, I have a similar situation.

My husband did not want to go to Europe AT ALL. It scared him to be in a place where he didn't speak the language, etc.

We were married in 2005 and I have always said - "I want to go to Italy before we have kids." and He had always said okay. When it was time to book the trip he moaned and groaned... but I did all the research, made all the plans and took a year's worth of italian courses, two semesters I even talked my husband into taking the classes with me.

He moaned that two weeks was too long and that one would be as much as he could take... but I insisted on two... I mean, we were going to be over here... why not make the most of it.

Well, sure enough... we get here and not only is he not thrilled but he had the flu the first two days we were here. He slept in the room and I saw most of Rome without him. When we visited the Trevi fountain - he pretty much killed the moment by rolling his eyes and adding "okay, are we good, can we go now."

But he started feeling better and we saw the colosseum and the sistine chapel and I could see he was enjoying himself. We had some romantic dinner and strolls in Rome. We're in florence now, and he's doing much better.

We see a few things in the morning and then I let him rest while I go about and see some of the Museums and churches he's not as interested in. Then we have a nice dinner and walk together and the trip is going much better.

Of course, if I could have it my way he'd be seeing everything with me, but he made the effort to come and I have to make the effort to let him have his do-nothing time.

Honestly though, he's still complaining a bit and then enjoying a bit... a little of both. I think from now on, if he says he doesn't want to go, I'll listen though... and take my mom, my sister or my best friend.

I love him and prefer to experience these things with him, but for all the planning and costs that go into it... if they are really not into it - then its a true waste.

That said, the last few days have been a blast. He's having fun and enjoying things... we went to Pisa today and he insisted I get a photo of him "holding up the tower" and it was fun... he allowing him to have the afternoon to rest has really been the life saver... and he gets to relax and I get to experience Italy and we get to have some of our moments....

We have a week left and I hope that this formula works for the remainder of the trip...

So, I can't tell you not to have him go with you.... but be prepared for the following... complaining, reuining what should be romantic moments, arguing, etc. At least be prepared to accept that. Might it go better and be wonderful, sure... but just prepare yourself.

As for the flight fears... I'm afraid to fly, but still fly 4-5 times a year. I bought a couple books on fears of flying and they helped me a lot... explaining the "sounds" during the flight, explaining the banking and taking off, etc. Try that.

Also, something that SAVED me for the flight here (this was more to avoid jet lag than the fear of flying itself) but my doctor prescribed Ambien for me. I took one right after dinner was served.. fell asleep within 15 minutes and woke up a few minutes before we landed... and since we landed in the morning... I felt like I had gotten a whole night's sleep (it was about 6 hours) and was able to go out and see Rome.

For the future... I will always offer for DH to come with me. Who knows after the first trip he may be more oprn to others... but it not, and heàs not interested in going... then I'll take my mom or sister or girlfriend and have a wonderful time and mail him a postcard.

Maybe when I'm back I can give you a full report on the outcome of *Forcing* someone to go (because even though DH agreed, I must admit... it was a force). Feel free to email me if you want more details on our unwilling DH's!

MaddieAstrid

My “BFF” and I both have husbands who are reluctant to travel, so for the most part, we leave them at home because who wants to drag someone around Paris?!! However, on occasion, I do want to share my European finds with my DH. He is a sports nut, so I can lure him to Europe with tennis tickets and soccer matches. BFF got her husband to London with concert tickets. Maybe there is something that can lure your boyfriend?

trafaelwyr

Layla - It's a shame that your boyfriend is hesitant about making an overseas visit. I've read quite a few opinions on here about what you should or should not do. Here's what I think: if you have some guy friends who have travelled, ask them if they would be willing to talk to you boyfriend about how much fun it is to travel overseas. Try to have him see if from the perspective of another guy and maybe he'll be sold on the idea. Or you could suggest as another poster has an go on a Contiki tour (I did one of those, but it was for Egypt). The Contiki tours are really fun, you'll be around other people your age and you can do one of their packages that not only covers Paris but other countries as well. I know how much you would love to have someone that you love go with you overseas and experience some of the things you've done, but if he's not willing to go, then go by yourself or go with that friend of yours who went with you last year (btw, thanks for the tip about that Greek restaurant in Paris - my sister and I went there in September and thoroughly enjoyed it). Here's another idea - go on a cruise.

katzen

My DH has not interest in going to France.... he's been to other countries and loves to travel but for some reason has no interest in France. So I'm going for 16 days with my sister in June '08. He will be at home with our 9 month old. Good Luck!

happywren

To aucho53...

I was planning my first trip to England when I met my husband-to-be. He said "I'm glad you are going with your friend because I will never fly." That was 23 years ago and, among other admirable qualities, my husband is a man of his word. I have since gone six other times, always with friends. I have asked him to change his mind, I have suggested the fear of flying courses and books, I have suggested medical help, but he has never been able to bring himself to do any of this.

He does have a fear of flying or in his words "giving over control of his life to someone else" (BTW control is the #1 reason given for fear of flying according to Virgin Air's course.) It has only been in the last couple of years that he has shown any interest in going to England and that is because some wonderful British people that I met six years ago have come over for a couple of visits. He has since begun asking questions like "is that what it's really like on a plane?" "how long does it take to get there?" etc.

I do not know if he will ever be able to bring himself to get on a plane. I know him well enough to say that he would truly love the experience once there but there is a big hurdle he would have to get over. I talked him into getting a passport 2 years ago as a necessary form of ID as you will need it even to get into Canada. SO if he ever has a change of mind about flying he will be ready.

So, I remain hopeful but not very optimistic. He is a fantastic husband and this is something that will not break this relationship. I travel without him, always have a fantastic time but I, like you, would love to experience the places I love the most with the man I love. My dream not his.

You may never get him to go with you, but like all the other posters have said, it is ultimately YOUR decision as to travel with others or find someone who enjoys travel as much as you. What are your priorities?

wyatt92

Hi Layla,

I remember you from the US board, I think you were planning your summer vacation and wanted to try somewhere besides Maine. But I think Maine won out again? I know you were thinking about Newport RI, did he nix that idea too?

You know, there are some people who just don't like to travel. They're not necessarily afraid to fly, they just have no desire to see different places, cultures, etc. It sounds like your boyfriend may be one of those people.

As someone else mentioned, it's not a personality flaw, it's just simply a preference that he has. I think it's important to think about how this will affect your relationship long-term. Will you be happy being with someone who doesn't share your interest in travel? Are you willing to take trips without him?

Only you can answer these questions. I think in the short-term, you should plan a European trip without him, either solo or with friends. Maybe he'll come around and want to join you but, if not, go and see how you feel about traveling without him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

amyb

Aucho, whatever your boyfriend's issues, if it's fear of flying, not wanting to see Europe, preferring the wilds of Maine or controlling you and your vacations...if you haven't changed him in 5 years and still want to, I'd seriously consider the future of this relationship.

I could add my own story to those already posted, but they all end the same way...the person who REALLY wants to go to Europe either goes alone or with others and has a great time or goes with the miserable boyfriend/spouse who doesn't get any better once they're there. If this difference between you is something that's a deal-breaker for you, then break the deal now! Take it from those who have been there, done that!

suze

I don't know if the boyfriend is: afraid to fly, doesn't want to go to Europe, is manipulating by saying he'll go then not following thru, is controlling things in a passive way... nor do I think the exact reason really matters.

And sure, yes, I believe you are absolutely reasonable to expect some compromise from him, and to get to do what you want to do some of the times.

Maybe you can pick 1 year's vacation (no questions asked) and he picks the next? If he is not willing to go along with that, I think you'll have to face the fact there might be a problem and that the relationship is not a 50/50 deal with him. He gets his way (at least on this subject) every time.

You can either try to get to the bottom of this (if you want to), or you can buy a plane ticket yourself and get going.

For ComfyShoes, please save the pity party, some of us are single, so we do things on our own as a matter of habit.

Layla, all the best! Suze

wally34949

Tell him about all the beer in Germany.

Mucky

Good one Wally ! and also tell him about the women in Italy !!

;-)

vjpblovesitaly

Wait for a boyfriend to travel?! While I am glad it works for some, life's too bloody short to wait for some man to no matter how cool he is.

highflyer

aucho,

you mentioned that the BF always decides where to go on vacation. Does he decide everything else too. Is there any give and take?

Go on your own or with friends, enjoy, plan another trip and if he still is uninterested (and you're still together...?) accept that romantic travel is not something you'll share.

Apres_Londee

Layla, all I can say is, the more you chase him, the further he will run.

Forget about nagging him, taking him to the doctor, trying to help him with his phobias, analysing him, having discussions. Behaving like his mother will only make him act even more like a child. It's a road that will leads to nowhere, except mutual resentment.

Don't treat him like a baby. Show him some respect by giving him (and yourself) lots of space. Focus on yourself and what you want to do, and do it. Once you "let him go", the dynamics of the relationship will totally change. He will either rise to the occasion, or he won't.

Sometimes, when a woman takes off alone for a week or two in Paris, sticky relationship dilemmas suddenly seem to almost sort themselves out on their own.

Christina

I would just plan a trip to Europe myself or with some other friends or even a small tour myself, if you really want to go. What's the point in trying to force someone to do something he really really doesn't want to do because you think it will fulfill your own romantic fantasies of travel. You admit you can go some other way, but you have this fantasy idea of how wonderful it will be with this one particular person. I think you've seen too many romantic movies, that's all. It's not going to be wonderful and romantic with someone who doesn't want to do it.

It's hard to say what's going on here, of course, we don't know. It could be he just really isn't that interested in going to foreign countries on vacation. I know a lot of people who aren't from where I come from (small town in the Midwest). I remember overhearing one older man say he didn't like to travel because it involved two things he didn't like to do at all (eat in restaurants and sleep in hotels), so why should he plan a vacation doing those things. His idea of a vacation was just relaxing and taking time off around home.

There is a midrange -- try some vacation other than Maine, but that isn't Europe. I think some people suggested Canada which would be an idea, but actually, I don't find Canada that exciting myself. But I love the West Coast, California, COlorado and New Mexico, that would be different. That would tell if it's really the flying issue or not.

I think if people are really afraid of flying, they can sometimes force themself but won't if they really don't have to. Also, being in a plane 7 hours is really unpleasant, I sometimes think I'm going to freak out from it and I'm used to it and am not particularly afraid. I just hate it because it's so uncomfortable. I have a friend like that, she can get almost sick when flying, but she does a couple times a year, she has to.

There are some other possible issues here, although we don't know. Like legalities. Who knows, maybe he has warrants out on him or something.