Travel ruined the relationship
Jun 12th, 2003, 11:23 AM
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Travel ruined the relationship
Has traveling with a friend or significant other ever caused the relationship to end? Two male friends recently returned from a trip to Italy and their relationship has definitely suffered - I think it has something to do with money. I've traveled numerous times with many different friends and I've never had an experience like that. Has anyone had a similar experience? Has the relationship ended, if not how did you salvage it?
Jun 12th, 2003, 12:01 PM
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No way, just the opposite. I'm convinced that traveling has brought our family even closer. Our kids have said too, that they're such close friends because of our incredibly fun times on vacation!
Jun 12th, 2003, 12:25 PM
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Traveling is one of the things that my husband and I share a common obsession with so no problems there. Same with my kids.
A friend of ours is very wealthy and she went to Paris with a couple of guys that live where one of her winter homes is. When the trip was over, no one was speaking to the other, she felt they were trying to get things for free, they must have felt that she had enough, she should share.
So as all thing concerning money-I would think that is the one area where people can have a relationship problem.
Jun 12th, 2003, 12:50 PM
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Traveling with a spouse shouldn't count for the purposes of this question. You adjust to each other without even really realizing it.
But traveling with friends or acquaintances is another matter. I definitely believe you should set ground rules -- who pays for what, what happens when one wants to go one place and you want to go to another, etc.
But traveling with friends or acquaintances is another matter. I definitely believe you should set ground rules -- who pays for what, what happens when one wants to go one place and you want to go to another, etc.
Jun 12th, 2003, 12:54 PM
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We went to New Orleans with 3 other couples a few years ago - 2 were great fun, and we found out the hard way what creeps the 3rd couple was. I hate to say it but we can hardly stand to be around them any more - And yes, money had a nasty hand in it.
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Jun 12th, 2003, 01:07 PM
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Should never marry anyone you haven't traveled with -- will make or break the relationship because it's 24/7, and a good way to see how the two of you solve unexpected problems, deal with simultaneous exhaustion, and resolve conflict (window open? morning or evening person? museum or canoeing?).
Travel seems to do wonders for our marriage when it gets stale, but I did lose a friendship over a trip I took with someone soon after college.
She: drank a lot, loved bars; carried 2 suitcases plus cosmetic kit and carried her coat over her arm, so she was always battling with it all; was open to "adventures" with any European men because she said she wanted to thaw out the "myth of the cold American woman"(!); said she spoke Spanish and Italian but froze in actual situations where communication was essential, e.g., buying train tickets; was incapable of acting independently to order food (always said "two" after I ordered and then griped because she didn't like what I ordered) or go to a museum by herself (but griped about my choices until I gave in to hers) or even take a picture (always waited to raise her camera until I did, waited press the button until I did, etc.).
I: didn't drink and liked to get to bed early (10pm) and up early (8 am) for a sidewalk breakfast that was utterly lost on her hungover self; packed everything into one small suitcase and one over-the-shoulder flight bag and was ready to plow through crowds at a pretty good clip; muddled through in fractured French and Russian; was downright frightened of overtures by unknown European men, esp. on the streets of Rome; began to order liver just because I knew she didn't like it; made her walk through every last gallery of Mesopotamian art in the Louvre because she'd made me see every last early Renaissance alterpiece; drove her buggy by starting to take a photo and then changing my mind at the last minute.
It took a good 7 years before we started to exchange Christmas cards and say, "wasn't that trip memorable?" and our friendship is still quite distant.
Travel seems to do wonders for our marriage when it gets stale, but I did lose a friendship over a trip I took with someone soon after college.
She: drank a lot, loved bars; carried 2 suitcases plus cosmetic kit and carried her coat over her arm, so she was always battling with it all; was open to "adventures" with any European men because she said she wanted to thaw out the "myth of the cold American woman"(!); said she spoke Spanish and Italian but froze in actual situations where communication was essential, e.g., buying train tickets; was incapable of acting independently to order food (always said "two" after I ordered and then griped because she didn't like what I ordered) or go to a museum by herself (but griped about my choices until I gave in to hers) or even take a picture (always waited to raise her camera until I did, waited press the button until I did, etc.).
I: didn't drink and liked to get to bed early (10pm) and up early (8 am) for a sidewalk breakfast that was utterly lost on her hungover self; packed everything into one small suitcase and one over-the-shoulder flight bag and was ready to plow through crowds at a pretty good clip; muddled through in fractured French and Russian; was downright frightened of overtures by unknown European men, esp. on the streets of Rome; began to order liver just because I knew she didn't like it; made her walk through every last gallery of Mesopotamian art in the Louvre because she'd made me see every last early Renaissance alterpiece; drove her buggy by starting to take a photo and then changing my mind at the last minute.
It took a good 7 years before we started to exchange Christmas cards and say, "wasn't that trip memorable?" and our friendship is still quite distant.
Jun 12th, 2003, 01:07 PM
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Furhter travel with both S-I-Ls is out. One "vegges" out with hubby 3 and never emerges from the room until tea time. She then shows us how boring she finds our interests, and then proceeds to bore us with the minutiae of her life, marraige and latest conversation with whatever no-brainer she finds facsinating at the time.
The other S-I-L is always between guys and entering or leaving a crisis station in her ... oh, relationship, sure, I'll call it that.
Now the former S-I-L, on board the plane to Europe, provided a letter coming down the aisle advising of the hours and times they would need for sex, and that their habits didn't match up well with our own. How the heck do you suppose she knew that! And why couldn't that have waited until after at least the first drink cart service!
At least we didn't have much in the way of realtionships to ruin.
The other S-I-L is always between guys and entering or leaving a crisis station in her ... oh, relationship, sure, I'll call it that.
Now the former S-I-L, on board the plane to Europe, provided a letter coming down the aisle advising of the hours and times they would need for sex, and that their habits didn't match up well with our own. How the heck do you suppose she knew that! And why couldn't that have waited until after at least the first drink cart service!
At least we didn't have much in the way of realtionships to ruin.
Jun 12th, 2003, 01:25 PM
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The relationship isn't ruined in my case. It's my mother. She says she hates to travel, yet when I begin to make what I think are solo plans for vacation, she pipes in with, "So when are we leaving?"
She does no planning, no research - she expects me to do all of that. She expects me to know her taste in entertainment and food (which, I have to admit, I've come to learn!), and she wants the trip as rigidly planned as possible. She is in bed by 9, and doesn't like it if I go at night, so I'm usually stuck reading a book at night until she finally has enough, asks around 10 when I'm going to go to bed so I can shut off the light. She never packs. Anything. She lays everything out and expects me to pack it for her. Says I do a better job. How would she know, if she's never done it?
When we arrive she complains throughout. If I don't know a city backwards and forewards, she gets panicky and demands why I didn't research things out. She quibbles every step of the way. She wakes up between 5:30 and 6 every morning, and doesn't understand why/how I want to sleep in just an hour or two later. She does not deal with her luggage, except wheeling it from/to the airport terminal. It's like traveling with 2 suitcases.
There was one time when she was throwing an outright temper tantrum in Denver airport and I looked at her and told her to shut up and not say one single, freakin' work until we got to Ontario, CA. When we boarded, she sat in the seat next to me and tried to cry quietly, but I was really irritated by that point.
Then, when we get home, bags unpacked, mail picked up, in her own home, she tells what a fantastic trip it was and how good I am at planning these things. Me? I need another week to recoup!
No relationship "ruined", but a lot of stress and oftentimes no speaking on the trip back. We do have more fun together than not fun, but it's the not fun times that can be a real pain! I find I travel better with friends and S/Os than with family, though.
She does no planning, no research - she expects me to do all of that. She expects me to know her taste in entertainment and food (which, I have to admit, I've come to learn!), and she wants the trip as rigidly planned as possible. She is in bed by 9, and doesn't like it if I go at night, so I'm usually stuck reading a book at night until she finally has enough, asks around 10 when I'm going to go to bed so I can shut off the light. She never packs. Anything. She lays everything out and expects me to pack it for her. Says I do a better job. How would she know, if she's never done it?
When we arrive she complains throughout. If I don't know a city backwards and forewards, she gets panicky and demands why I didn't research things out. She quibbles every step of the way. She wakes up between 5:30 and 6 every morning, and doesn't understand why/how I want to sleep in just an hour or two later. She does not deal with her luggage, except wheeling it from/to the airport terminal. It's like traveling with 2 suitcases.
There was one time when she was throwing an outright temper tantrum in Denver airport and I looked at her and told her to shut up and not say one single, freakin' work until we got to Ontario, CA. When we boarded, she sat in the seat next to me and tried to cry quietly, but I was really irritated by that point.
Then, when we get home, bags unpacked, mail picked up, in her own home, she tells what a fantastic trip it was and how good I am at planning these things. Me? I need another week to recoup!
No relationship "ruined", but a lot of stress and oftentimes no speaking on the trip back. We do have more fun together than not fun, but it's the not fun times that can be a real pain! I find I travel better with friends and S/Os than with family, though.
Jun 12th, 2003, 01:47 PM
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We will never travel with my SIL again. We decided to take the older parents to Europe. SIL became jealous and decided she had to come. From that point on everything had to be her way. She changed the route going places we had no desire to see (while we're footing the bill) and would take off on "secret excursions" with my inlaws leaving us wondering where in the country they were. But don't worry, they sure showed up in time for us to pay for dinner. Never, ever, will we go through that hellish experience again. When you travel with people you get to know alot about them and sometimes it's not good.
Jun 12th, 2003, 03:13 PM
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No relationships ruined but they have been tested. I did know to be careful who I went with though. Traveled a few times with a guy friend, I was definately the leader, did all the planning and organizing which is ok but just occasionally I would have liked it if he helped decide on a restaurant. I try to please and it is scary to be unsure but he was happy (or at least ok) with whatever I chose so I finally accepted that he really didn't care. He is also a bit like a brother so we were able to fight and know that we were still going to love each other afterwards.
Traveled with a girlfriend - I did all the planning which she didn't seem to mind but then when we got to NYC she did have a few things she wanted to do but hadn't bothered to tell me so I could schedule/plan for it but we survived. Though we haven't been able to survive her possesive boyfriend - too bad but another story.
Every time I traveled with a friend we split things evenly, paid for own meals, activities, split taxi's and tried to not get too hung up on a few pennies here and there.
Mom and brother are still my best travel companions, we are just so used to each other and know strengths and when to give space and like the same things. My husband and I are getting better but like most things it takes practice. Most things for him are scary and therefore more challenging but he is fun and goes along and has a good time so my hope is eventually he will get enough experience under him that things aren't such an issue.
Traveled with a girlfriend - I did all the planning which she didn't seem to mind but then when we got to NYC she did have a few things she wanted to do but hadn't bothered to tell me so I could schedule/plan for it but we survived. Though we haven't been able to survive her possesive boyfriend - too bad but another story.
Every time I traveled with a friend we split things evenly, paid for own meals, activities, split taxi's and tried to not get too hung up on a few pennies here and there.
Mom and brother are still my best travel companions, we are just so used to each other and know strengths and when to give space and like the same things. My husband and I are getting better but like most things it takes practice. Most things for him are scary and therefore more challenging but he is fun and goes along and has a good time so my hope is eventually he will get enough experience under him that things aren't such an issue.
Jun 12th, 2003, 03:33 PM
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Another poster who does not want to travel with 'family' again! Just returned last week from a trip to Maui with my In-Laws, (Mother, Father, Brother and Sister-In Law and their three kids). The B and S-I-L and their three kids were fine, but the Father and Mother In-Law...what a pain.
My husband and I have said, 'never again', unless it's only two or three days. I won't get into all the problems, but it was stressful to say the least.
As for my boyfriend (now husband!), when we first met my house had just burned down. He took me to Costa Rica (my first time) to try and relax. Although we had only known each other a couple months, he later told me that he knew he wanted to marry me at that that point because I was so easy to travel with! Of course, we didn't actually get married until almost 5 years later, but he remembered that first time 'traveling' together.
My husband and I have said, 'never again', unless it's only two or three days. I won't get into all the problems, but it was stressful to say the least.
As for my boyfriend (now husband!), when we first met my house had just burned down. He took me to Costa Rica (my first time) to try and relax. Although we had only known each other a couple months, he later told me that he knew he wanted to marry me at that that point because I was so easy to travel with! Of course, we didn't actually get married until almost 5 years later, but he remembered that first time 'traveling' together.
Jun 12th, 2003, 03:55 PM
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This didn't happen to me but my MIL and a mutual friend of ours went away with 2 other ladies for 11 days. They all had a wonderful time till the trip home. My MIL and our one mutual friend have not had anything to do with one another since. This was nearly a year ago. Not sure what all the issues were. All I ever hear from MIL is the other lady was very controlling. Something to do with when they were checking in there lugguage. Very silly stuff so it sounded to me but it was enough to end the frienship which wasn't that strong to begin with. They are both very stubborn and now MIL has no one to travel with. I am not sure it was worth it give up a friend over just perhaps silly nonsense. Oh well.
Jun 12th, 2003, 04:39 PM
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CColor, I can't imagine you and your better half having any problem with a travel companion!
Nothing worse than a cheap travel friend!!!
Since we had hit some semi-expensive restaurants in NOLA one year, our friend wanted to pick out the restaurant that night.
He picked some place that had a dinner for about $7.00 that included jambalaya, gumbo and red beans and rice
and a soda. You get what you pay for sometime. :-&
We made the mistake of taking one more trip with them and after he asked me "Do you always eat such expensive meals over here" we knew it was time to part company.
BTW, the guy probably makes 30% more than me so it's not like he cant' afford to have a good time.
Diff strokes/diff folks!
Now, before we go anywhere with any other couple we have dinner to discuss our 2 basic ground rules for "Travel With The Kals":
1) If you do not want to do what we want to do, our feelings will not be hurt. Go for it.
2) If we all have dinner together, the bill will be split by the number of couples, so drink up!
...and the unwritten rule some here can attest to, if they buy me a drink-nobody gets hurt! >
Nothing worse than a cheap travel friend!!!
Since we had hit some semi-expensive restaurants in NOLA one year, our friend wanted to pick out the restaurant that night.
He picked some place that had a dinner for about $7.00 that included jambalaya, gumbo and red beans and rice
and a soda. You get what you pay for sometime. :-&
We made the mistake of taking one more trip with them and after he asked me "Do you always eat such expensive meals over here" we knew it was time to part company.
BTW, the guy probably makes 30% more than me so it's not like he cant' afford to have a good time.
Diff strokes/diff folks!
Now, before we go anywhere with any other couple we have dinner to discuss our 2 basic ground rules for "Travel With The Kals":
1) If you do not want to do what we want to do, our feelings will not be hurt. Go for it.
2) If we all have dinner together, the bill will be split by the number of couples, so drink up!
...and the unwritten rule some here can attest to, if they buy me a drink-nobody gets hurt! >
Jun 12th, 2003, 04:52 PM
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I don't get all this travel with long-time friends and relatives. You travel to see something new, not to bring something old along with you.
Get out there and meet some new people on your travels, people, or I'll take the lash to you!
Get out there and meet some new people on your travels, people, or I'll take the lash to you!
Jun 12th, 2003, 05:12 PM
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I agree to some extent with Brooklyn Bomber. I don't wait all year to enjoy vacation to lug along relatives. Two I can think of right off the bat are my mother & M-I-L. NO WAY!! I take vacation to get away from EVERYTHING!!
Jun 12th, 2003, 05:34 PM
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Right on Gary! Maybe if I was traveling and you were traveling, we'd bump into one another in a park or museum. We'd hit it off in no time--I just know it! We'd head out for a dinner, some drinks, and with a wink and a nod, chase up some nice tail at the local watering hole come midnight. Afterwards, I'd say, "Damn, Gary is one swell guy." Gary would say, "Damn, I got stuck with the ugly gal. BB, next time, we're trading!"
