Love you, mean it! No need to pack your boxing gloves for an airport grudge match with these prevention tips.
Have you ever passed the time at an airport watching a couple go from quiet snipes to full-blown theatrics? Pass the popcorn, because with rising flight disruptions, busier airports, and general mental health stress on the rise, this better-than-Bravo show is almost guaranteed. But nobody wants to go from a curious audience member to the main act.
Couples are fighting openly at airports these days. AirportParkingReservations.com polled couples across the country to find out why. The top culprits make even a rare traveler knowingly nod: flight delays, cancellations, and being late to the airport. Additionally, flying breaks our routines and causes a lack of sleep, hunger, and not knowing where essentials are–it’s a recipe for a meltdown.
At first glance, solutions seem easy. Get more sleep. Pack some snacks. Designate an appointed passport and boarding pass person. Communicate. Yet we know relationships aren’t fueled by simple logic; we bring in emotions, hopes, expectations, and past wounds. The airport and travel itself is a fragile enterprise. We have glorious expectations for our journey together, especially if we’re counting on connection and relational restoration. These fights crack the foundation quickly. In the bizarre, bustling world of airports, it’s not unusual for one person to look at another and think, even fleetingly, “Why in the hell am I with you?”
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The good news is that this isn’t inevitable. Fodor’s has asked a clinical psychologist and various expert travelers to share lessons–some of them hard-earned–on preventing, stopping, or recovering from those airport blow-ups.
Now Arriving in Reality: Managing Expectations
Travel will betray you. When things go sideways, part of our distress comes from the misbelief that travel is romantic bliss instead of that escapist partner we’ve idealized until it shows its nasty side.
“Shows like The Bachelor have broken our brains a bit as far as what travel should look like,” muses Agnes Groonwald, travel blogger and author of Traveling With Your Significant Other: A Decade of Misadventures and Tips to Avoid Divorce.
“We don’t typically find ourselves dancing in the streets on trips around Europe or dining in the middle of infinity pools with no one else around. Sometimes we miss flights. Sometimes we have to navigate a rental car out of a ditch. Sometimes we eat too much cheese. All of that is great for stories later, but how you handle those things in the moment is a testament to your mettle as a couple.”
Travel inherently demands effort, even when we are hitting the road for our own pleasure. Stress and disappointment come along with delight and peace. Accepting this doesn’t dampen our enjoyment but instead helps us roll with the unpleasant surprises when they arrive. It’s about embracing the mindset of “I knew there would be unexpected difficulties, and we will get through them. They don’t last forever.”
Another reality: we pack our personalities along with our devices and sunscreen. Most couples experience tension, and many have found ways to compromise or make peace with differences in their daily lives. We crave travel because it upends our norm, but these loving truces also get rearranged.
“If you have experienced tensions in certain areas before, expect that this will happen at some point during your trip,” says Dr. Charlotte Russell, a clinical psychologist and creator of The Travel Psychologist. She advises couples to create a plan before travel. The trick is to avoid accusations and judgments. Instead of “You’re always late and it drives me crazy,” try “It would help my anxiety if we could get to the airport early. How can we work together to make it happen?”
Set Intentions as Part of Your Travel Planning
It always helps to have a mantra. Groonwald has traveled extensively with her husband, Brian, for more than 14 years. Their relationship has survived everything from canceled flights to lost luggage to intestinal parasites, and it all roots back to a ritual.
“We try to take a deep breath, think about where we’re going, and remind ourselves that everyone is in this fart tube [airplane] together,” says Groonwald.
Just as important as creating an itinerary together or ensuring someone packed the essentials, a shared intention guides your communication and understanding. Voicing these is key. We all have things we want to happen, but your vacation is not the time to test your partner’s ability to intuit what you want in the spirit of “if they want to, they will.”
Russell explains that an intention is something within the couple’s control. For example, “We are going to focus on spending time together” or “We are going to make the most of our trip.” As Russell describes, shared intentions help us overcome disappointment and stress.
“Coming back to this intention can remind you of what you know to be important to you, rather than being guided by strong feelings in the moment,” advises Russell.
Airport Anxiety and Humor
Anxiety grips most travelers in transit, regardless of whether it shows up regularly. Most couples have at least one partner set off by lines, crowds, menacing security, or simply the ongoing miracle of humans flying in metal through the air.
Like the Groonwalds, Shannon and Geary Arner have done the work to figure out what was triggering them at airports. The fights were bewildering, as the couple of 19 years love traveling together. After a particularly tense airport argument and a 45-minute stalemate, they took it to their therapist and started exploring.
“We started asking ourselves, ’Why do we rush as soon as we get into the airport?’ We arrive with plenty of time, but we were in the mindset of seeing those who are around us, usually hurrying,” shares Shannon Arner, travel blogger and co-creator of Arner Adventures. Poor TSA was the culprit–Gerry was frustrated at the authoritarian attitude, and Shannon worried about his lack of preparedness. Both were coming in amped for checkpoint disaster.
The answer was our most potent defusing tactic: cracking each other up. The couple now travels extensively and quietly creates backstories for the TSA agents, everything from a failed student council bid in high school to a fetish for the particular fit of the TSA uniform. “It’s silly, but making each other laugh is better than arguing,” says Arner.
The Groonwalds each have their own triggers for flying, so they try to find humor in the thoughtless irritations, like being crowded at the luggage carousel or whacked by large backpacks. “The mantra has been: ‘Your lack of spatial awareness is a you problem,'” quips Groonwald.
Take a Break–From Your Partner and Being Furious
Remember that it is okay to separate and take a break. Sometimes, this looks like one partner spinning off for errands or a trip to the bathroom. Other times, it’s an obvious out–the spouse who goes through security and waits with a beer while the other who forgot his identification does the extra steps with TSA.
If a physical break isn’t possible, a break from the conversation works, too. Communication is always the key to healthy relationships, but if you or your partner is not in the place to have a productive chat, hammering away at it does more damage.
The best kind of break isn’t idle. Don’t just sit there and stew, piling up the ammo to fire away when the conversation re-starts. “Try and identify unhelpful thoughts that might be exacerbating difficult feelings,” advises Russell. “An example would be, ‘My partner does not care about my feelings.’ Try and examine this more logically. If your partner is generally kind, understanding, and supportive, but is occasionally late or irritable when tired, this is likely unhelpful.” Instead, Russell encourages travelers to harness a reframe: My partner is kind and understanding, but they are sometimes irritable when tired.
Marlie and Anthony Love, creators of Traveling While Black, combine their set intentions with humor for a preventative break by using a code word. “This is a word you both agree on, so no matter what is happening that word means: ‘We are in this together, let’s chill, and have fun’,” says Marlie Love. This couple of 20 years hails from St. Louis, and their safe word “Nelly” reminds them, “No need to get ‘Hot In Herre.’”
Once you’ve both calmed down, it’s time to communicate in a helpful way to move forward. “We’ve learned to use therapy-speak and ’I‘ statements to describe how we’re feeling to keep minor things from escalating, especially when we’re navigating things that go wrong,” says Groonwald.
“The point is, you’re likely visiting somewhere awesome when things like this happen, so try to make the best of a situation,” Groonwald says, recalling grappling with lost luggage in Greece. “Lean on your partner and come up with a solution in that moment so that you can salvage what you can.”
The Loves go-to ritual is also a winner: grab a cocktail to celebrate navigating the TSA and airport madness. At the end of the day, we’re all privileged to be flying, and making the airport an extension of your vacation may be the most expert move of all.